WISDOM FROM FRIENDS: STAY PRESENT

Our final bit of advice in honor of the New Year and Decade is the present of presence, via our friend and Larry Dressler, our fellow Berrett-Koehler author who authored Standing in the Fire. He posted a blog about “holiday presence” that we found meaningful and useful as a guide to remembering the power of being present to the moment.

 

Staying present is essential to having authentic conversations. It helps us be both participants and observers as we engage others. The participant/observer skill will help you manage your own emotional reactions so they don’t get in the way of what you’re trying to accomplish, so that you can better observe the emotional reactions of others. If we can describe what we’re seeing in others — without judgment or defensiveness— we can help get those emotions expressed, which will allow the focus to remain on the content of the conversation.

 

Larry suggests keeping a talisman with five knots in your pocket, with each knot representing a question that will help you stay present. Adapting this technique to keep our intentions for authentic conversations at the forefront is easily done:

 

§         Who am I here for? (What is it I want to create in this moment, with this person?)

§         Why am I here? (How will this conversation serve the good of the whole business or enterprise in which we are engaged?)

§         What can I release from my grasp (e.g., an expectation, distractions, judgment, desire to “win”) that will put me into a stronger partnership with my reason for being here?

§         What would my wisest friend or teacher whisper in my ear at this moment? (Who are your role models for being authentic?)

§         Where in my body can I imagine compassion hiding, taking safe refuge, and reminding me of its ongoing presence? (How can I demonstrate goodwill, even if things are getting tense, or difficult?)

 

Reflecting on those questions before a conversation, or in the moments when the going gets a little difficult will give you the gift of “presence.” And don’t forget to breathe.

WISDOM FROM FRIENDS: BABY STEPS

This is the second of three offerings of wisdom in honor of a New Year and Decade.

 

This insight sprang from our family’s holiday tradition in our family of giving books we think our loved ones will find meaningful and useful. Our daughter gave us a book by Robert Maurer called One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way. It is a short, easy-to-read guide with practical advice on how to begin life’s longest journeys — with the proverbial single step.

 

Maurer is a psychologist and consultant who believes that the Kaizen philosophy of small, continuous improvement help our brains shortcut fear and the “fight or flight” reactions inspired by big change.

 

One of the suggestions we found particularly useful was the idea of “visualizing” your way to positive change. For example, we often hear from people who tell us they want to engage in authentic conversations at work, but are stymied by the traditional organizational cultures that reward manipulation and compliance as a means of getting along and getting ahead. Speaking the truth, especially to those who we see as having “power” over us, feels too risky. Consequently, even though people can see the business benefits of telling the truth with goodwill, owning their own contribution to a problem and raising difficult issues, the fear of doing it keeps them stuck.

 

One of the ways to make the change feel less daunting is to spend only a minute or two each day imagining an authentic conversation with a colleague, peer or supervisor. These mental mini-rehearsals are safe, and kick start the brain into a new habit. In one minute, you can imagine what you might say or do differently in specific situations, and reflect on how outcomes might be different if you do.

 

The next step might be equally small, yet powerfully effective. Think about one small action you could do each day, or even a few times a week, that would inch you along in your desire for authentic conversations. For example, you might vow that at least once a day, you will tell the truth as you know it, with compassion and goodwill, in a situation where you might once have kept silent instead.

 

Maurer says these tiny, incremental steps trick the brain into thinking, “This is such a small change, it’s no big deal. Nothing to be afraid of here.”

 

And it is in these small changes that big transformation slowly unfolds.

WISDOM FROM FRIENDS: QUESTION YOURSELF

In honor of a New Year and Decade, in the next three weeks we will be sharing wisdom that others have shared with us. We are grateful to our generous friends, whose gifts have sparked fresh reflections about living out our intentions to engage others in authentic conversations.  The notion of becoming truly authentic — in the sense of being clear about who we want to be and making choices about how to do it — is less daunting when we remember that it is a daily, lifelong process. It helps to remember that change is rarely the instant transformation we sometimes yearn for.

 

This week, we’ll start with questions by Shiloh Sophia, which our friend and colleague Jeff McCollum sent in a holiday email. They have a yin/yang rhythm we like. The questions are framed in a way that emphasize the importance of being willing to let go of one thing in order to achieve the benefits of another. The questions are a different iteration of an activity we often do with clients, called “Gains and Losses,” that bring into focus the necessity of releasing in order to receive.

 

Question number 10 also gets at an idea we think frequently gets overlooked, especially in the workplace — the ability to grieve and let go of the past so you can look toward creating a shared, preferred future.

 

We hope you find these questions useful.

1.      What is it I am committed to starting?

2.     What is it I am committed to finishing?

3.      Who is it I am excited about being?

4.      Who is it in me I am excited about letting go?

5.      Where is it I will spend my time?

6.      Where is it I will spend less of my time?

7.      Who will I reach out to and connect with?

8.      Who will I surrender and let go?

9.      What is it I feel really good about?

10.  What is it I need to forgive myself for?